By Terry Applegate
Two Laws of Forgiveness: Married vs. Unmarried
Forgiveness is often misunderstood.
In fact, most people (until spending some time in marriage) don’t realize that there are two laws for forgiveness; those for married couples and the second for the unmarried.
Gender-Specific Forgiveness Standards in Marriage
The forgiveness statutes for the married are further broken down into one for the wife and one for the husband.
Wives are never to forgive the husband, even of the pettiest of infractions. For example, if a husband goofs up and mentions to his wife that she looks “a little disheveled today,” she is to never forget this faux pas and to remind him of it till death do they part.
On the other hand, the standard for the husband is that every day that he looks at the angelic smiling face of his bride, his heart is broken and he is totally unable to remember the slightest thing that she ever could have done wrong—he forgives all, daily; he can’t help it!
Divine Forgiveness through Confession
But, for the rest of humanity, the Psalmist makes it plain, “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin.” (Psalms 32:5)
Here it is clearly stated that God forgives us when we confess our sins and cease to try to justify them anymore; He does not forgive unless He is petitioned by a repentant.
Living Out Ephesians 4:32: Imitating Christ
1 John 1:9 makes the New Testament statement that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins….”
Once we have confessed and repented from our sins we are then admonished to mimic Christ, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Eph 4:32)
The Primacy of Repentance Before Mercy
Because we are fallen and sinful, divine mercy must be experienced with repentance before it can be experienced as inclusion. So, just as Christ did not forgive us before we asked him to, so we are to do the same to those that injure us.
Seven-Times-a-Day Forgiveness in Luke 17
Luke 17:3-4 is one of the harder sayings of Christ where we are instructed to forgive our brother who has sinned and repented—even if he does so seven times in a day!
Arendt’s “Trespass” Perspective on Everyday Offenses
Hannah Arendt in The Human Condition makes an interesting hypothesis that this is referring to the multitude of ‘lesser’ trespasses we make against one another (similar to the stupid remark the husband made to his wife) rather than more serious crimes of willful evil.
Arendt makes the case that the Greek word translated as “sin” in this passage more accurately means “to trespass” or “to fail and go astray.” Such a change in meaning greases the skids for her idea that we are not to accumulate everyday grievances but rather dismiss and release them.
Forgiveness vs. Vengeance: Breaking the Chain
In this respect, forgiveness is the exact opposite of vengeance, which reacts against an original trespass and keeps everyone bound to the process, permitting the chain reaction contained in every action to take its unhindered course.
When Political Power Replaces the Rule of Law
On the societal level we are currently seeing exactly this take place, as some warned when the Biden administration weaponized the government against Trump and his supporters.
By politicizing federal and state agencies to go after Trump (both politically and personally), the Democrats set the stage for Trump, now in office, to push the envelope in going after his opponents and their policies.
The obvious and inevitable end to the vicious circle set in motion by the short-sighted liberals will be the denigration of the rule of law and the consequent ascendancy of the rule by power.
Personal Forgiveness as an Antidote to Bitterness
But on the personal level, the individual, by forgiving, can break the cycle of revenge. Jesus’ teaching frees both parties from the never-ending violence (mental, physical, and/or emotional) of holding a grudge, of the feud, or of punishment to even the score.
The Universality of Hurt and the Call to Forgive
Unfortunately, many people believe that those hurt end up becoming bad people—committing crimes, returning evil for the perceived harm done to them (often damage they brought upon themselves).
They often then use this as an excuse to “take it easy” on the criminal, who committed the offense only because he was damaged—you can’t blame him, they say.
The Risk of Unforgiveness: Nihilism and Revenge
But the truth is that all of us have been hurt, repeatedly, consistently, and deeply. This is because all things worth doing involve effort, struggle, exertion, possibility of failure, conflict (internal and/or external), sacrifice, and—other than those actions directed entirely toward the care of our own soul—dealing with others, which inevitably opens the door to perceived and real hurts.
The only full protection against being hurt is to withdraw from human contact and interaction. Not choosing that, the only way forward is that laid out by Christ: hurt people forgive, thus allowing recovery and a moving on.
Radical Evil and the Limits of Human Justice
Regarding radical evil offenses—about whose nature so little is known—such as the recent beheading of a totally innocent husband and father in Haiti by anarchic gang members, Arendt says, “All we know is that we can neither punish nor forgive such offenses, and that they therefore transcend the realm of human affairs and the potentialities of human power, both of which they radically destroy wherever they make their appearance.”
She suggests that heinous evil acts will be taken care of by God in the Last Judgment, characterized not by forgiveness but by just retribution.
Last Judgment: Just Retribution for Heinous Crimes
She says, here, where the deed itself dispossesses us of all power, we can indeed only repeat with Jesus: “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea.”
Reintegration vs. Exile: Handling Grave Offenses
Rhys Laverty concurs when he argues that the practical out-workings of the more serious sins “preclude full reintegration into community in this life, since the bonds are so broken, the risk of recidivism so alarming.”
We see this played out in some denominations where errant pastors are defrocked and precluded from ever holding ecclesiastical office again. Often, this results in the miscreant moving away in order to get a fresh start.
Forgiveness Without Repentance: A Theological Misstep
Recently, we have had examples of victims of horrible and atrocious crimes announce that they have forgiven the perpetrators even without the guilty asking to be forgiven.
While this may be therapeutic and is certainly liberating for the victim—and is within the central realm of Christian theology—the fact remains that true forgiveness only can arise when the sinner repents, confesses, and provides restitution (when possible).
In the case of the transgressor who is unrepentant and believes his evil deed was justified, there can be no reconciliation, which is impossible while one is under assault.
Victims who think it is their Christian duty to forgive (which it is) and that this results in a full-fruited forgiveness even in the face of an unrepentant aggressor misread Scripture and its goal of reconciliation.
Balancing Personal Mercy with Civil Justice
In other words, the individual can initiate the process of forgiveness, gaining the benefits thereof, but in order to achieve its full effects, the victimizer must confess, repent, ask for forgiveness, and make restitution where possible.
Finally, to forgive is an act of an individual; it does not negate the necessity of fulfilling our political and judicial responsibilities. It does not mean the annulment of civil penalties for the transgression.
Society must function within the realm of its concepts of lawful justice; it cannot forgive without tearing away the very fabric of the polity.
Closing Reflection: A Plea for Patience and Forgiveness
Finally, I forgive you if you found this uninteresting and boring, a toilsome time waster.
Likewise, I trust you will forgive me for going on so long…